Being a jealous athlete is not a trait anyone is proud of or strives to achieve. Jealousy is generally negative. Is it all bad, or are there any benefits to being – just a little – jealous?

Before you become concerned that jealousy will be glorified here, it will not. However, a few opportunities may be uncovered if you find you or your athlete have jealous tendencies toward other athletes and their families.

There are obvious drawbacks of jealousy for athletes.

• Jealousy promotes lower self-esteem. When an athlete spends their time comparing themselves to other athletes, they reinforce the feeling that they are not good enough. That feeling of inferiority may begin in their sport and can spill into their other activities and general assessment of self-worth. If they are always jealous of a teammate playing more or a peer winning all their events, they are not focusing on their own journey toward progress. They obsess about how they are ‘less.’
• If your athlete is part of a team, being jealous of stronger or more successful teammates may cause your child to withdraw from the other team members. They may feel slighted or left out. Perhaps they’ll believe their coach likes the other players better or is excluding your child for reasons other than skill development.

Jealousy’s Redeeming Qualities?

How could jealousy possibly be a good emotion for an athlete?

• When an athlete wants the success they see in another athlete, they may be driven to work harder to achieve their goals.
• It indicates a desire your child would like to have for themself. They can set a plan to work toward a new goal.
• Jealousy signals an opportunity for you to have a discussion with your athlete. Although the emotion of jealousy is negative, you have a catalyst for having a pivotal conversation. The purpose is to identify where your child’s feelings are coming from and to find ways to work toward a resolution.

Your Jealous Athlete

“The root of … jealousy … is an unhealthy comparison of athletic skills between athletes.” Athletes experience a loss of confidence when they are not performing as well as their peers. If you notice your child speaking negatively about themselves or feeling jealous of a peer, dive deep into communication.

• Listen to your child and respond with empathy. Work to understand why they are feeling negatively toward themselves or another athlete.
• Encourage them to work toward their own goals. They may have set goals based on the success of others. However, if those goals are not attainable in a reasonable amount of time, your child will become easily discouraged.
• Remind your child of the success they have had and the lessons they have learned in their sport. Where else in their lives will learning to work toward a goal and dealing with challenges benefit from their experiences in their sport?
• Speak with their coach. Ask their coach to explain where they have seen positive growth in your child’s abilities and where improvement is needed. Coaches should foster positive self-image and awareness of success for their athletes. They can also help your athlete set realistic goals that are attainable. Often, the success for one athlete differs from that of another. They both make progress at their own pace and in their own way.

A Parent’s Role

What can you do as the parent of an athlete to discourage jealousy, by either your child or yourself?

• Your job is to support your athlete’s goals. Do not push them, as that leads to early burn out, increases stress for your child, and serves to lower their self -esteem if your pushing is consistent. You may feel like you are simply trying to motivate your child. However, you want your child to set their own goals with the help of their coaches, and to find their own self-motivation.
• Show respect to your athlete’s teammates, competitors, coaching team, and other parents. This is your opportunity to lead by example.
• Support and encourage your athlete and their peers. Games, meets, and competitions are the perfect times to put aside comparisons and focus on the lessons your child is learning through their sport. When you only focus on whether they have won or lost, or obsess over the amount of time another player has been on the field, jealousy toward other successful athletes begins to creep in.
• Stop bragging about your child. Of course, your child is the best in everything they do. You have every right as a parent to believe in them and know in your heart that they are amazing. I cannot begin to tell you how incredible my boys are! Does everyone else want to hear about your child’s success? All. The. Time? No! If you are being realistic, you probably know your young soccer player is likely not the next Lionel Messi. They may be, but time will tell. Permit your child’s “achievements to speak for themselves.” Constantly telling other parents about your child’s accomplishments or natural talent will become a reason for those parents to walk the other way the next time they see you. They’ll encourage their child to also steer clear of your athlete to protect their child’s self-esteem.

Remember to relax and enjoy your athlete’s journey. Remind them that this is their journey. The success of others does not define their own performance or value in their sport. Encourage them. Let them know you are in their corner and will do whatever you can to help them to go as far as their dreams will take them.