Most athletes gradually progress from a recreational interest in their sport to a few low-key competitive events. If they win or place well, they catch the bug to aim higher. Their parents evaluate if the family can stretch time and finances a little farther as their child’s sport consumes resources and patience. When done with the intention to accommodate your athlete without losing sight of your needs and those of your partner and other children, watching your athlete thrive and advance in their sport can be a thrilling adventure. There is a fine line between supporting your child while being involved as a caring parent, and being the driving force behind the pressure your child feels to continue and succeed in their sport. When that line is crossed, the love they once felt for their sport becomes an obligation to keep you and others happy.

A Reflection

I started skating when I was 8 years old along the Wisconsin Illinois border. At 9 I participated in my first competition while pretending I didn’t have the stomach flu despite getting sick between events. The other skaters must not have been on top of their game either, because I took home surprising 2nd and 3rd  trophies and was excited to compete again. 

My mom had heard the best coaches were in the Chicagoland area. I’m sure she asked me if I wanted to have a trial lesson with one of the elite teams at the time. My best friend was going to give it a try, so I decided I wanted to as well. The coach in charge of ‘judging’ whether I was talented enough to join their team did not feel I would be a good prospect for them. My friend was welcomed aboard, however. Soon my mom began her mission to support my dream of becoming a great competitive skater.

Crossing over a fine line

Another reputable coach decided to work with me, thus beginning a year of driving from Wisconsin to Chicago’s North Shore. On the road at 4:45 am. On the ice 5:45 – 7:45. On the road back to school in Wisconsin. In the car again after school for 4:00 pm-6:00 pm ice time. I usually fell asleep during the ride back home for dinner, a minute of homework and enough sleep to get through the same routine the next day. Every weekday.

Eventually my parents gave up their thriving business and dreams to move closer to mine. My skating improved despite my lack of natural ability. I worked really hard because I preferred winning to losing, and I wanted to please my coach. What was first unspoken, but became used as my tether to the sport, was the debt I owed my parents for all they had done for me. 

By the time I was 15, I had lost the energy to remain competitive seeing the fun my peers were having in their free time. I wanted to join a school club, go to a party, and take time to relax. The previous five years, my parents had dedicated every moment and dollar to my sport. They did not hide their disapproval when I asked to quit. I kept skating – poorly – to hold up my end of the bargain.

I know my parents were trying to encourage me in their own way and doing what they thought was best. It took a couple years for me to discover what I enjoyed about the sport. That process is what drives me to keep joy in skating for my students.

Supportive or Controlling?

Gracie Gold’s memoir “Outofshapeworthlessloser” and Andre Agassi’s autobiography “Open” share how parents with extreme expectations for their athletes appear fully invested in motivating and encouraging their child. They are often destroying their child’s independence, self-esteem, and mental health in the process.

Tiger moms were legendary in sports when I was training. They were great media headlines, but I thought they must have brought so much pain and embarrassment to their athletes. I’ve seen parents at the rink, on the baseball field, and alongside the track ‘motivating’ their children to push harder by yelling and making those around them uncomfortable with their demands. 

I realize this post is long. It reflects one reason I began this journey to share my insight with other sports parents. There is a way to relax and enjoy your child’s athletic career, however intense or long lived it may be. You have a part in determining how involved you become. Will you be their greatest cheerleader or the person they feel they have to appease?

Decide what you are willing to give for their passion. Enjoy watching them find their own drive and voice in their sport. Offer hugs when they fail and when they succeed. Let your athlete know you are proud of their bravery and effort. 

Young athletes endure a lot of pressure. They work for every success. They strive to make it look easy. They are strong. They are amazing.